The BBQ Gun by Michael Lavallee
This is humor. If it rubs you the wrong way, it’s supposed too. If your personality is based on what you carry, if you worship at the feet of someone who made a niche into a religion…well the best humor has lots of truth in it.
The mystical BBQ gun. Printed in magazines, in forums and whispered discrete discussions at coffee shops, small tables outside in the sun. In dark bars and in offices in bright light.
It is worn, or in some cases, presented for people in social strata’s to establish your right to stand in their shadow, or more often, to make them wonder if they should be in yours. It’s more important than what you drive, the clothes you wear or the significant other you bring to those gatherings.
So, what is a BBQ gun?
First, it is never a stock production piece. Or, if it was a limited production run with so few made it could be considered custom. And it is possible, because of its rarity, to have never been fired. It is an ornamental item, one who those in the know have read about, heard about and talked about.
The Bren 10 comes to mind, and its status depends entirely on how many factory magazines you have. If you know, you know.
The exception to this rule is guns which were in production, limited number of years. Then have been discovered by the knowing, and have moved back into view. This is mostly due to copies, being produced to ride the popularity of the original but fall far short. The originals, commonly found at one time, but now out of production are desired.
The MKII and MKIII Browning High Power in 9mm, NEVER 40SW. Never ever 40SW.
But never seen. The unobtanium, the guns hobbyist owners wake up thinking about.
As soon as it becomes mainstream, can be bought at big box stores as a regular item, it falls off the BBQ gun list.
The finest example is the Glock. Once necessary to send to a custom shop to get it machined for an optic, now you can get them from the factory ready for an optic. From a specialty firearm to fit in a circle of enlightened, to a trailer park Chinese copy optic in a Wally world holster.
It is the Randall knife, of the firearms world. One who you have to order 10 years before you want to wear it. And it draws more stares than your daughter at her wedding.
The one so rare you put the gun store owner on retainer like a lawyer, to find for you.
That you search diligently, 10 years or more after it has been discontinued, presumably to create enough rarity the fan boys can move up in status from production to BBQ acceptable.
The circles you run in matter as well.
Certain levels of society have made it a requirement for certain weapons in those circles.
In one circle I am affiliated with, there are 2 handguns which are acceptable. If you carry anything else, the waitress is told it is your birthday at any public restaurant until you convert to the Way.
Those guns are Browning HP or CZ75. Non negotiable. A shoulder rig, in black leather, no tooling and 2 spare 20 round magazines is the Way. And only 147 grain HP ammunition.
In another circle, the Disciples of Cooper, only a 1911, customized with every possible modification available from the Colt custom shop between 1978 and 1982 is acceptable. And may they have mercy if you show up with a Springfield or Taurus.
A custom-built Caspian, by a verified member of a Tier 1 unit and vetted by YouTube could be acceptable depending on the gullibility of the membership.
A Gold Cup, in Colts Royal Blue, produced on the second shift Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday in 1973 is an accepted substitute. But it has to be the original hand polished blue and NEVER made on a Monday morning or Friday afternoon.
Your holster, must be an all-leather rig. It must have matching magazine pouches, the belt must match the leather of your holster and mag pouches AND all must have the same tooling to be socially acceptable. If you look like a parody of a Texas Ranger, or a real life Mexican Federale you are doing it right. Of course, your vest, belt, hatband and boots must all be matching, always.
If you are a high level attorney or run in those circles the Walther PPK/s in 32 ACP is the pistol. A single magazine pouch, with the finger extension magazine is accepted as the Way. Never 380ACP or 25 ACP, this is ghetto and in poor taste. Standards keep us separated from the animals.
If you have law enforcement clients, and took a gun in trade for services, Walther TPH is an acceptable substitute.
A SIG P230 in 380 ACP is a poor substitute and an indicator of pro bono ambulance chasing. You will be regulated to seats near the coat check or kitchen, possibly forever.
Sharkskin of course, holster and accessories including the belt is always expected while in social settings. Matching shoes in accordance with accepted standards is important. That’s why you make the big money.
At an actual BBQ, you have to be cognizant of the crowd you are in. If it’s with coworkers, you should not have a firearm outside of your financial standing. Unless your spouse is making bank, then flaunt it.
At your work party, A Cuda in Oxblood is again used to draw the eye while downplaying your choice of guns. A Glock, either custom finish or limited production frame colors, like Green or Grey catches the eye, but isn’t outside your means. Never a brown or tan color. That indicates a production 19X and regulates you to the popularity chaser and lacking knowledge of the Way.
An optic, in a holster designed to showcase it, is either a Trijicon or Holosun. Both quality optics and shows the opinion of the owners on battery changes and the level of actual preparedness.
In another situation, at your spouses company BBQ, an HK P7M13, nickel plated of course, in an Elephant hide holster, complete with belt and magazine pouches is a sure ticket to the top of the pyramid around the keg or grill.
Python photo by Nick Rukavina
If it’s with neighbors, an N frame in a high ride pancake style, Oxblood being the eye catcher. Matching belt and speed loader case, and a 6 loop ammunition carrier. Buffalo Bore ammunition loaded with Barnes bullets, highly polished. It shows you are familiar in both styles of revolver reloading. It’s all about style with the neighbors.
If you are posing, a 44 Magnum Mountain gun is an option, but if you roll with the guys making the sauce, a Mountain Gun in 45 Colt is it. It’s the difference between the single wide owner, and the triple wide in the expensive end of the trailer park.
The social return and you and your spouses standing in your community matter. You have to fit into acceptable social expectations or raise those expectations with what firearms and most importantly your gun leather displays.
Do not be the guy whose spouse is looked at with sympathy or contempt by other spouses at these gatherings.
Know and understand the Way.
All of these holsters, leather and craftsmanship are available at Simply Rugged.
SAA photo by Kyndra Leahy engraved N frames photo by Matt Olivier
